


like i'm not somebody's daugher

by queenfemslash



Category: Elton John (Musician), Queen (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Drug Addiction, Eating Disorders, F/F, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-17 19:28:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29230812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenfemslash/pseuds/queenfemslash
Summary: After Brianne attempts suicide she ends up at Bridgewood Mental Health Center.That changes her entire life.
Comments: 33
Kudos: 21





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I had this requested on my tumblr. It's also queenficslash, Shout out to BambiRexWrites for helping me with brainstorming.

“Bridgewood used to be the women’s dorms at a college. However when the school closed the local hospital bought it. It’s been remodeled a bit, but as you can see it’s very homey. The doors do lock from the inside, however staff has a master key. Mr. and Mrs. May, I promise it’s a lot nicer than other options you might have for Brianne to step down to. It’s a lot like a family here and we do get good results. She would be expected to do chores around the house and we do have outings that she can earn with progress. “ The nurse giving them the tour seemed nice enough. And Ruth had to admit that it looked a lot nicer than the regular ward. 

“And how many girls are at Bridgewood at one time? What ages?” That was her Harold for you, get the numbers. He may seem more composed than she is right now, but Ruth knows that he’s just as scared and worried for Brianne as she is. 

“We have about 24 girls aged 16-22 at Bridgewood , and it’s split into three ‘houses’ , Aspen is strictly for substance abuse issues, Birch is our ward for girls with more support needs, such as having severe bipolar disorder or psychosis. Brianne would be in Pine, it’s for dual diagnosis, eating disorders, and girls with lower support needs. So some of her housemates might have say, OCD or Body Dysmorphia, or PTSD and substance abuse issues. For the ones with substance abuse due to self medicating, they are detoxed before they enter. Just for your piece of mind. The houses all have support staff including a ‘ house mom’ who is an RN and there 24/7. Jamie, the house mom for Pine is great.” 

Ruth still can't believe that it got to this point. God, Brianne was such a smart girl, and was so happy when she was a kid. They thought the past few years were just her being a moody teenager. She was supposed to be going off to Uni, not having to stay here. She still cannot get the image of her daughter sitting in a red tinged bath out of her head. The sound of her screaming for Harold to call 999, she’s glad he told them it was their daughter, and not just her age. They sent only female EMTs. 

“Ok. what do we need to get for Brianne before she moves in ?” Ruth asks, her exhaustion slipping through. 

“She will need at least two weeks of day to day clothes, leggings are allowed but must be worn with a top long enough to cover her seat. Most girls do end up going the athleisure or jeans and tee shirt route, just nothing too revealing and nothing with strings, we suggest slip on or zip up shoes and no belts. Personal care items, however no glass or hard plastic, anything she could hurt herself with. So no razors, but Nair or self sugaring kits are ok. Hair products must be a non- aerosol format and no flat irons or curling irons, a blow dryer is ok. We don’t allow cell phones, but we do have a communal phone she can be called on. Feel free to bring any comfort items from home and if she wants a certain color of pens or journals. If she paints or does any sort of craft, you can pack that for her.” The nurse finishes up her speech, and she looks over to see her husband almost crying. 

“God, Ruth. we should be helping her pack for university , not having to pack a bag for her to go to treatment.” He sounds just as tired as she is. He turns to the nurse giving them the tour. "Brianne became vegan a few months ago, is that something you can accommodate, I don’t get it but it means a lot to her.” 

“Totally.This is a therapeutic house based program so the girls can do some of their own cooking. We do family style meals, purely to help the girls with Eating Disorders, but they all cook for themselves and each other with staff monitoring them . If she has a preference in say soy milk or almond milk, she can pick that out. You’ll need to put money on a shopping card for incidentals such as that or when the girls earn a trip to the shops. The rooms are small enough that they have to be private rooms, but she will have a suite mate that she shares a bathroom with. “ That nurse is really too damn chipper for someone giving a tour to people who less than 48 hours ago had to fish their daughter out of a blood bath. “Do you have any other questions?” 

\--------------------------------------------------------

Brianne wakes up in the hospital. Well that’s just great. She’s Brianne May, Golden child. She can’t fail at anything, except taking her own life. She gets told she’s under 72 hour watch and then will be moved to a psych ward. Great. 

She’s seen ‘ Girl Interrupted’, she knows what it’s like. Oh god. She’s really fucked things up. 

“Knock, Knock. Hey sweetheart, you feeling better?” her mum looks like shit. 

“How many men saw me naked? ” Brianne is mortified at the thought that a group of men have seen her naked . Her dad looks rough too, and he sighs. 

“Just one. They sent an EMT team of all women, and considering I used to change your diapers and was present at your birth, it’s not the first time I've seen you naked. Brianne, I really hope it will be the last.” Her dad sounds not mad like she expected, just hollow. “Look, I love you, you’re my daughter and I love you. I just want to know…. Why ? Why did you try to take your life?” 

He’s crying. She’s never seen her father cry before.

“ I don't know. I’m tired and I want to go home. Please just let me go home, ok.” Brianne is not sure if going from numb to even lower counts as a mood swing. By the time she reached the end of her sentence she’s sobbing. “God i’m so sorry, please just let me go home. Please don’t put me in a hospital, what about Uni?” 

“We told the office of student affairs that you had taken ill and you are on medical leave. Your spot is still open when you get better. You need to calm down, Ok? I don’t want you to get yourself all worked up and make yourself ill. Can we, calmly, discuss what is going to happen next?” Her father always seemed to be the one in control, but it’s her mom who is keeping the clearest head right now, she waits for Brianne to respond. 

“Ok. Sure.” Brianne takes a few deep breaths and tries to calm herself down. Her dad scooches her over so he can sit on the edge of the bed and hold her hand. 

“Ok. First, they put you on a 72 hour hold, I have been told it’s standard after a suicide attempt. We’ve discussed with your team here a residential program-” 

“You're going to lock me up in a psych ward!” 

“Brianne, no. because you're a girl between 16-22, you can do treatment at Bridgewood. It’s a communal house style therapeutic program. You have your own room, we even packed up your bedding and got some of your items from home for you. I had to pack your bags for you, I picked mostly jeans and all of your leggings and long tank sets, a few cardigans and both your ankle boots and your slip on chucks. Was there anything you really wanted me to drop off for you?” Her mum really was on top of this. 

“No, not really. Did you get my shower stuff? Makeup?” Brianne asks. 

“Yes, we had to pack kind of quickly and I thought your mother might have been a better choice of person to pack your clothes. It’s only a few months and you can get calls from us and letters from your friends, and I heard you could earn outings to the shops.” Her father responds. “We want to make sure you are comfortable while you work on getting better.” 

“So like how does this work? Like I live in this house and do therapy and shit and someone cooks for me? Will they make sure my food is Vegan?” She’s hoping that if she asks enough questions, she can get out of going. “What if I run out of shampoo or tampons?” 

“You live in a house with other girls going through a hard time. You are responsible for cleaning up after yourself and cooking your own meals with staff there, I think that’s mostly for the girls with eating disorders.” Her mum looks a bit done with her shit. “ If you run out of personal items, you can pick some up on your group trip out to the store or let us know and we’ll have some sent to you.” 

“Ok, so when do I move?”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They had brought her some jeans and a sweater, with her purse with all the pins removed but the patches were still there and her slip on shoes. So at least she got to look more like herself while riding over to the house. That might have been the quietest car ride she had ever been on. Her mom sitting in the back seat with the child- proof locks activated on the doors. She guesses it’s so she doesn't try to make a run for it. Like she has enough energy to try that. 

It looks like an old apartment building, her dad said it was once a women’s dorm at a college. That’s where she’s supposed to be right now. She was supposed to be starting uni. 

“Pine, where is the pine door?” her father murmurs as he drives around the building trying to find the entrance to her new home. “ Ah! Pine.” 

It feels weird to be getting out of the car at where she’s going to be living and not grabbing a bag. Her mom had already driven over and unpacked her room while the rest of the girls were away at art therapy. 

She sees a redheaded woman, probably a few years younger than her mum, walking over to her. 

“You must be Brianne! My new girl.” The woman closes the gap between them and holds her hand out to her. Brianne checks that her sleeves are all the way down before reaching her hand out. “ I’m Jamie, I’ll be your housemom while you're here.” 

“More like the person who watches you take a shit after dinner!” a girl with sandy blonde hair shouts out of a window. Jamie rolls her eyes. 

“ Etta, could you please refrain from screaming about your bowel movements. Anyway, I’ve talked with your folks already. All I have to do is check your bag and you should be good to come in and see your room.” Jamie says. 

“Sure. It’s not like I have drugs in here.” Brianne hands over her purse. 

She’s allowed to keep everything besides her compact , because the mirror is glass.

“I’m going to miss you guys.” Brianne has never spent more than two nights away from her mum and dad. She can’t believe she’s crying in a car park outside of the institution she’s going to be stuck in for the next few months. 

“We both are going to miss you, but you can call us once a week. You know your mother and I are only doing this because we love you.” her father says, he’s starting to tear up. 

“I know.” Brianne hugs them and they get back in the car and drive off. She’s alone in the car park with Jamie, the woman who will dictate her entire life for the next few months. 

“Well, ready to see your room?” Jamie asks her as Brianne gets her bag back. 

“Sure” 

It looks homey, she thinks as Jamie shows her around.

“Here’s the living room, I have a little mailbox for each one of you. Your’s is plain because I let you guys decorate it.” Brianne looks over and sees a few, Etta, the girl from earlier had hers painted with glitter and it has a piano on it. There’s one with a bunch of yellow flowers and a ballerina on it. 

“Nice, am I required to spend a bunch of time here or ..” 

“We have house activities that we do, like movie and game nights and you are supposed to interact with your housemates, but if you want to lock yourself away? Hey, feel free. Just know you’ll be here longer.” Jamie says in her frank yet caring way. “And just around the corner is the kitchen. I was told you are a vegan, correct?’

“Yes. Is that going to be an issue?” Brianne asks, she’s ready to bolt, 

“No, not for you. We do family style group meals, so you might need to prep your own main dish, but we can make the sides vegan. And of course on your meals to cook, you can make the entire thing vegan if you want. We do have to monitor you cooking and your meal times, but that’s because three of your housemates have eating disorders.” Jamie leads her to the door at the back of the kitchen. “Here is the laundry, you are responsible for doing your own laundry and we have a rotation for household chores , such as washing the pillows, tablecloths, and dish towels. Good afternoon, Freddie.” 

Brianne is sure the girl in front of her must be one of the girls with an eating disorder. She’s so tiny. Brianne, like an asshole, also thinks ‘ geez, I can see her bones, I wonder if that overbite would be less noticeable if she wasn’t emaciated’. Brianne honestly is an asshole though, that’s one of her many faults and a reason she shouldn't be alive 

“Well, we’ll leave you to it. Brianne, all of you girl’s rooms are upstairs.” Jamie tells her. “Freddie actually is your suitemate, so you two will be sharing a bathroom.” 

They walk upstairs, and her name is on the third door down on the right. The door sign is painted with a space theme, there’s a little badger as an astronaut.

“How did you guys know I liked space? And Badgers are my favorite animal?” Brianne might not want to be here, but she can admit it’s cute. 

“Oh, your mum mentioned it to me.” Jamie says as she unlocks the door to the room. “ So your room does lock both here and the door to the bathroom locks too. However, I do have a master key and can let myself in , in case of an emergency “ 

“Makes sense.” Briane gasps. It looks a fair bit like her room at home. Her mom even brought her fairy lights from around her desk to put around the desk here . “ I don’t see a closet?” 

“We use drawers here due to the hanging risk.” Jamie informs her. “The bathroom is through here.” 

She follows in to see a sink, a shower , and a toilet. Her stuff is all lined up on the right side of the sink. 

“You and Freddie are responsible for keeping it clean.” Jamie leads her back into her room. “ Well, that’s it. Dinner is at six, I’ll let you settle in.” 

And with that she’s gone. 

Brianne takes a look around the room and notices her mom put all of her clothes away. She sees a note on her pillow. 

“  _ Brianne,  _

_ Please know that I have never been as scared in my life as I _

_ was when I found you in the bath. Your father and I would have  _

_ been torn up if we had lost you. Sweet girl, please know how much w _ _ e _

_ love you and are going to miss you when you are away.”  _

_ XOXO Mum.  _

And a schedule on the desk. It has time for her to do individual therapy with the therapist she was assigned from the hospital three times a week, and see the nurse that will be managing her meds once a week. She was told Jamie would be holding on them for her. She’s an overdose risk. There also are things scheduled like group therapy here at the house and art therapy, and even her free time is scheduled out for her. Each day has the meals listed and she can easily make any of them vegan. Next to it is the chore calendar, and an order form for the next grocery and chemist run, Jamie wrote at the top, ‘ let me know what kind of plant milk you want and if you need any tofu or tempeh’. 

She doesn’t really want to talk to anyone right now. It’s one thirty pm, why not take a nap. As she takes off her jeans, she thinks about how this does not feel real, how maybe it’s all just a bad dream and when she wakes up from her nap , it will all be gone. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brianne's first full day, Group therapy, and a trip to the Grocery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks you so much for all of your support and comments on the first chapter!

Brianne woke up to someone knocking on her door. She rolls over and sees that it’s six fifteen. Shit. 

“Are you dressed? Can I come in?” a voice that for some reason sounds American, calls from outside the door. 

“Just let me toss some pants on.” Brianne replies. After finishing dressing and slipping on her jeans, she opens the door to see a gal around her age with short hair and glasses. 

“Looks like you overslept. It happens to the best of us. I’m Jenny.” the girl says as she holds her hand out to shake Brianne’s. 

“I’m Brianne, it’s nice to meet you. I didn’t mean to skip dinner, I guess I just was tired.” She tries to suppress a yawn. 

“Most of us are when we first arrive.” Jenny says and it’s like she cares, not sarcastic like she expected. “It was my turn to cook, I hope you like burrito bowls, I was told you were a vegan, so I thought it might be something you would be willing to eat. “ 

As they walk down the stairs, Brianne tries to quickly scope out the other girls. She sees Etta who had screamed about her bowel movements out of the window and Freddie next to her. Both of them seem to be picking at their food more than eating it. Next to Etta is Jamie, and next to her was a bigger girl who looked like she might be taller than her (and at 6’1” Brianne was not a short woman). Next to the bigger girl was two empty spots and then a blonde and a girl with wavy auburn hair, and between her and Freddie was an empty chair. 

“Oh, Brianne! I’m sorry if we woke you, just didn’t want you to miss dinner.” Jamie says as she starts to walk to the kitchen. “Would you like a seltzer or lemonade or still water?” 

“Still water is fine.” Brianne sits down next to Jenny and sees that all the components for the burrito bowls are on the table and that you just kind of build your own. 

“So what’s wrong with you? “ The blonde girl looked at her. “No, let me guess, long sleeves, you went across the street not up the road didn't you? Mummy and daddy had to fish you out of the - “ 

“Regina! We don’t guess each other's diagnosis.” Jamie chided. “If we all feel like sharing we can during group therapy tomorrow.” 

Brianne finished building her burrito bowl while a girl with short dark brown hair walked out of the bathroom and to the spot next to Freddie. 

“Ah, you must be the new gal, I’m Jane.” Brianne noticed she had an Irish accent, maybe she came to London for school? 

“I’m Brianne.” She hates introducing herself. She always sounds stupid. Like she’s not sure of her own name. 

“Why don’t we all go around the table and introduce ourselves, give your name, age and where you are from.” Jamie prompted. “I’ll go first, I’m Jamie, I’m 39, and i’m originally from Surry.” She taps the shoulder of the bigger girl next to her. 

“Oh, I’m Phoebe, I’m 21 and from South London.” Phoebe taps Jenny’s shoulder. 

“I’m Jenny, I’m 20 and I originally am from New York.” 

“You all know I’m Brianne, I’m 18 and I’m from Hampton.” 

“I’m Regina, I’m 17 and I’m from Norfolk.” 

“ Joan, 16, from Leicester.” 

“I’m Jane, 22, and from Carlow, Ireland.”

“I’m Freddie , 19 and from Kensington.” 

“Etta, 19, I grew up in Pinner .” 

\----------------------------

The rest of the night was pretty chill, Brianne was asked to help Phoebe with washing the dishes .

“So what were you supposed to be doing rather than going to inpatient treatment?” Phoebe asks her. Brianne has noticed that while Phoebe is taller than her , she slouches a ton. 

“I was going to go away to Uni. I was going to study astrophysics.” Brianne honestly hopes she doesn't sound like a total show off. 

“Oh, that’s really cool. I remember the basics of astronomy we learned in science class like in middle school, but you’ve got to be really smart if you were going to get a degree in that.” Brianne really can not figure out why she would be here, Phoebe seems normal and nice? 

\-------------------------------------

Brianne gets changed into her pajamas and heads over to the bathroom, and at first she thinks Freddie is listening to music. Then it hits her, she’s singing. She’s really good. 

“Were you studying vocal performance before you got sick?” Brianne asks. “ You’re really good. Like on the West End, good.” 

“Why, because i’m too fat to be a dancer? “ Freddie snaps back. “Thanks for trying to let me down easy.” Freddie stomps off and Brianne knows it’s just one more thing she’s fucked up. She thought Freddie might like her but clearly she hates her just like everyone else in her life. 

Brianne manges to get her face washed and her teeth brushed, and suddenly thinks about how much she wishes she was anywhere rather than here right now. 

\--------------------

Breakfast was at 7am, and this time Brianne managed to get up in time. 

“Ok, so this morning we have group therapy at 9am and then Brianne, Joan, and Freddie all have appointments at the hospital. Brianne, how those work is someone will come and pick you three up and when you all are done, they will bring you back. “ Jamie informs her. 

She finds a carton of almond milk in the fridge and ends up making herself some oats. As she eats, she listens to the chatter around her. Jane, Jenny and Phoebe are all sharing customer horror stories from their times in customer service or retail. 

Joan and Regina are discussing music and movies. 

“Look, what part of I don’t feel like eating right now is so hard to understand?” Etta sounds like she’s getting worked up. She clearly isn’t one of the housemates that has an eating disorder. She’s not fat by any means, just curvy. Brianne honestly thinks the other two must be Regina and Joan. 

“Etta, you need to eat regularly, that’s part of your treatment plan. That and your food journal.” Why would that be part of her treatment plan? Brianne should stop being nosey but that's one of her faults. Also Brianne can admit she might be a bit jealous of Etta. She too would like to look like a woman rather than a boy in a wig. 

\--------------------------------

After getting her journal and pens, she finds her way to the living room for group therapy. 

“Ok, so how this works, Brianne, is usually we have a topic we talk about. Something like self esteem or coping skills.” Jamie honestly seems too damn chipper for 9 am in the morning. “But if you ladies don’t mind, why don’t we all share what we are working on in treatment. Remember that this is a safe space and we are here to support each other, not mock.” 

“Yeah, yeah ,girls support girls and all that jazz.” Etta snarked. 

“I’ll go first,” Joan offered, “I have OCD. I developed it after my dad died. I am working on learning to cope and that none of my compulsions are going to keep my brother and mum safe. I had gotten to the point where I could not get out the door in less than an hour because everything I had to do.” Brianne had noticed she had used exactly 1 and a half sugar packets in her coffee this morning and was counting the number of times she stirred it.

“Thank you for stepping up and sharing Joan. It's a huge step.” Jamie chirped. “How about we go clockwise from Joan, Jenny that would be you.” 

“I had moved to England with my aunt after I was outed back home. I was a champion long distance runner back home. I don’t know if it’s stress or what, but I kept getting afraid that the food over here was tainted because I got sick right around the time I moved here. I was diagnosed with Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder, after I stopped eating anything but plain chicken breasts and apples. “ 

Brianne would have never guessed that Jenny had an eating disorder. She seemed so fit. “ I just wanted to make sure I was not going to get sick again and I wanted to keep my times as low as they were in the past. Regina, you’re next.“

“I have PTSD, my dad wasn’t such a good guy. Also I guess you are not supposed to abuse painkillers so you pass out rather than have flashback nightmares. Also, I need to apologize to you Brianne, it’s not fair that I tried to prod you into revealing your issues.” Well, she didn’t expect that. It’s her turn now , she guesses. 

“ I slit my wrists in the bath.” Nothing like just getting it out there. “ I was depressed… Phoebe?” 

“ I had a nervous breakdown. I was working a full time job, and going to school to study early childhood education, and taking care of my siblings while my mum was battling cancer. I guess I just spread myself too thin. But what else am I good for?” 

“You are good for a lot more than just taking care of others.” Jenny noted. Is there something going on between them? 

“Well I, Etta, did stupid shit and had a fit and now am stuck here. “ She rolls her eyes. It’s clear Etta is not someone to let their guard down.

“Etta, could you be honest? “ Jamie prompts. 

“Fine, I had a fit because of my abuse of adderall and my bulimia. Happy now? “ She shoots over to their house mom. “Jane, it’s your turn.” 

“ I have body dysmorphia and had a giant gender crisis.” She looks over towards Freddie. 

“I was diagnosed with Anorexia after I fainted in class. I was in the pre-professional ballet track before I got sick. Was supposed to get my fucked up face fixed too, but I was told I was too medically fragile to get the surgery done.” 

“Oi, why the fuck does Freddie get to talk like that but I dont? “ Etta blurted out. 

“No one is to talk negatively about their body in this house. Ok?” Jamie says. “We all are here to grow and heal, and tearing others or ourselves down is not going to help.” 

\---------------------------------

“ So we are staring you on a low dose of the anti-depressants and we are going to also have you take a multivitamin, you were slightly low in a few of them.” Alex, her Psych nurse tells her. “And you’ll come back here once a week to chat about how you are doing and we will also run a blood test to see your levels and the like. Does that sound ok? “ 

“Sure.” She doesn't really mind Alex, he’s kind of cool. “ Is there anything else you need me to do?” 

“Yes, I want you to also keep track of when you go to bed and any physical symptoms of your depression ok? “ 

“Ok, I can do that. “ 

\-------------------------------

She sees after lunch what Etta meant about having her bathroom visits monitored, it’s so she doesn’t purge. 

“1, 2, 3, I’m still taking a shit, I’m not puking. “ Etta says through the door as Jamie stands outside it. “ I’m washing my hands. And you can go flush it and check to make sure I didn’t purge.” 

Jamie swiftly slips in and flushes the toilet. 

“Ok. Let’s discuss the rest of the day, we are taking our weekly trip to the grocery at 3:30 pm. Make sure you have written any requests you have on the list by then. It’s Etta and Joan’s night to make dinner. Joan, what do you all have planned? “ 

“Penne with sauteed vegetables, Italian sausage and red pepper alfredo and salad and breadsticks on the side. Brianne, we requested the Victoria Vegan kind so you would also eat it. I’ll put the Italian links on the side. “ 

“That’s really considerate of you and Etta.” Jamie comments. “After dinner, you all can relax, maybe we want to have a movie night?” 

\--------------------

The trip to the store is really something. First they ride there in a 12 person van with the name of the treatment center on the side. 

Freddie requests that she gets to see the nutrition label on everything. Jamie refuses. (later on Brianne learns that the labels are all blacked out before they get put away). They also have to pick up a few things for exposure therapy for the three with eating disorders. They had three different choices of tempeh for her to choose from. And the tofurky Tomato Basil sausage to go with tonight’s dinner. 

On the way back, Brianne learns that Etta and Jenny and Freddie all know this stupid little song about how every woman can be a lesbian and they keep singing it, over and over until Regina threatens to jump out of the moving car if they don’t stop. 

\--------------------------------------------

Dinner went well until Freddie freaked out over the fat content, Jenny freaked out over the preservatives in the sauce, and Joan lost it after she loses count of how many noodles she had on her plate.

“It has to be an even number, it has to.” Joan moans. 

“Joan, is this really going to change anything? Remember challenging your compulsions.” Jamie says. “Plus, your mum calls every tuesday night, why don’t you try it and if something bad happens , your mum will let you know. 

Joan tries it, and when her mum calls? The only new news is that her brother had made the school football team. 

\----------------

Brianne is getting all kinds of apologies today. Freddie had just appoligised for snapping at her last night. She was just standing there brushing her teeth when Freddie came in a talked to her. 

“ I’m sorry for snapping at you.” Freddie sounded sorry. “ I forget that not everyone is not as hard on me as I am.” 

“You are totally forgiven. And Freddie? I don’t think your face is messed up. “ 

“I’m going to ask you to be honest. Do you mean it?”

“I do.” 

“ My treatment team wants me to gain two stone. I’m going to look so gross.” 

“ I’m going to be honest, your treatment team knows what’s best for you.” 

“ I know, that’s what I’m scared of.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I also can be found at queenfemslash on tumblr.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get a look into some of the other girl's heads.

It shouldn’t be a huge deal, but it sure feels like it. She’s gained enough that she has to get actual adult clothes. After she had talked with Brianne a few weeks ago, she decided to talk to her treatment team about supplementing with a nutrition shake. That way she doesn’t feel all bloated from eating all of the calories they want her to eat in refeeding. Freddie kinda wishes that she could just call her mum and have her bring them by. Instead she’s having to prepare herself to have everyone be excited for her and she’s going to end up being pulled out on a shopping trip, as if that’s going to be fun. Maybe it might be? She’s always enjoyed dressing others and for once this morning she actually kinda liked the way she looked in the mirror? Like when was she this cute. Brianne was right, her treatment team was right. For some reason , even though she knows objectively she weighs more now, she looks thinner? And this is the third treatment center she’s been to. She’s sure her folks are going to give up on her if she doesn’t get better.

And then things suddenly got much much worse. She hasn’t really had a use for tampons in forever, but when you start eating again, things tend to come back. At this point she’s not sure if she wants to brave the hallway to grab one from the spares in the closet or just ask Brianne for one. Brianne’s nice, I doubt she’ll mind. 

She knocks on the door to their joint bathroom. 

“Come in, I’m just finishing my makeup.” Brianne replies. 

“Hey. um… Can I borrow a tampon, I kinda didn’t expect to need one yet.” Freddie is ready to have the world swallow her whole. First: she sounds awkward as hell. Second: she sounds incredibly lispy. She usually remembers to take out her retainer before she talks to anyone in the morning. It’s not like she needs to go back to have both crooked teeth and an even larger overbite, but she also does not need everyone to know that she was the biggest treatment failure her orthodontist ever had. They did the best they could and when she gets better maybe she’ll get it fixed the rest of the way. 

“Oh yeah totally. Do you need light, regular or super? I have pads if you would prefer that?” Brianne didn’t mention her sounding awkward at all. 

“Light should be fine.” She honestly thinks if they had met anywhere but here, they might be friends. Hell, she thinks that about all of the girls. And to be honest she want’s a bit more than friendship from Jane, but you don’t date your housemates. Brianne goes to grab it and Freddie quickly takes her retainer out before Brianne can notice. 

“Here you go.” Brianne turns to walk back into her room. “Oh, and you don’t have to worry about that in front of me. I won’t mention it.” 

Freddie is a little bit dumbfounded. Brianne is actually pretty chill and Freddie is so glad that she got to have her as her roommate. 

\-------------------------------------------

Phoebe is not sure why she’s so nervous for her turn to share in group therapy. They are discussing body image and it’s not like she really has an issue with how she sees herself? She’s a fat ugly bitch and that’s about it. She’s not ever going to come out, because she knows that she would be perpetuating stereotypes about lesbians being ugly, fat , man haters. Even though she doesn’t hate me. She gets along with men perfectly fine at work and at school. She just doesn’t want to date them. 

“I just feel like I’m not really cut out to be a woman, but I don’t really want to be a guy. And I’m not a thin genderless waif. “ Jane says. 

“ There is not one way to be a woman. That being said, would you rather use they/them pronouns?” Jamie asks. 

“Not, really.” Jane sighs. “I just feel like I’m a failure.” 

“You’re not though. Can you think of two things you like about yourself?” Jamie is really big on trying to see things you like about yourself. Etta said ‘at least I have a rack, and my ass isn’t the worst”, Regina pointed out that she has really long eyelashes and that ‘blondes have more fun’, Phoebe is not sure she can find anything she likes about herself. 

“I’m tall and fairly strong? I never had any issues unpacking pallets when I worked at the flower shop?” Jane says, sounding not so sure. 

“That’s something. That’s totally a start. “ Jamie encourages. “Phoebe, what do you think about yourself?” 

“Um. Pass.” She’s not about to derail the conversion that really should be about Jane, Freddie, and Etta.

“No. If I had to talk about why I dislike myself then you have to.” Etta chides. 

“Look, I’m here because I had a nervous breakdown. I don't think anyone wants to hear me bitch and moan about how I’m a fat ugly dyke who’s going die alone, because she can’t even come out because she’d just prove that they hall are ugly fat man haters even though I don't hate men, let alone even get a girlfriend-” shit. Phoebe lost her fucking temper and just outed herself. 

Etta starts to applaud, Freddie looks stunned and Jamie looks like she’s just seen a world wonder. 

“Phoebe, I think you just grew a backbone.” Jenny adds. She’s looking at Phoebe weird , unless. No, she couldn’t be attracted to her. She’s Phoebe, like fat mum friend, give the whole of yourself so people stay , Phoebe . 

“While I think we all are proud that you were assertive and are honored that you feel safe enough to come out. You are not a fat ugly slur and I want you to think of something that you like about yourself. “ Jamie really is not going to let up on this is she? 

“I like my hair and my nails don’t break easy?” 

“ That will do, for now.” 

\----------------------------------

Regina can’t believe this has happened. She should feel happy, or maybe sad, but she just feels numb. He was her dad after all. 

“Sweetie? Are you still there?” her mother asks through the phone. 

“Yeah, yeah , I’m here. So someone just stabbed him? How does someone get a shank in prison?” Regina is dumbstruck. 

“ They made it out of a toothbrush. But, we’re free. He’s not going to hurt us anymore.” 

She can’t deny that, she has heard the rumors about what happens to guys who diddle little girls in prison, especially if they were his daughter. 

\-----------------------------------------------------

“Congrats, you’re off exercise restrictions, Jenny.” her nutritionist tells her. 

“So I can start running again?” Jenny has honestly missed the stress relief she got from running. 

“No. You can start off with a light walk, you don’t want to go too hard too fast. Work your way back up.” That’s not what she wanted to hear but it gives her an idea. 

Phoebe has no restrictions. She could ask her to go on a walk with her and get to know her better. She’s not about to date someone in treatment, but there is no reason why she can’t lay the foundation for a relationship later? 

\------------------------------------

“ I want you to come into my office and shut the door once, ok Joan?” Dr. Matthews asks her. But, it’s not like it hurts anyone besides her if she checks the door five times. She can do it. Joan can do it. 

She walks into the office and sits down on the couch. Deep breath in, deep breath out. 

“Good job. I noticed you used the breathing exercises we had worked on.” 

She did it. She can move on. 

\----------------------------

Etta both hates and loves when they have days they can get visitors. Her mother came the first time and bitched the entire time about how she was just weak and lazy. Her old man couldn't be bothered. Her gran comes through and that’s always nice. Her gran is probably one of the few people that cares about her. 

“Your mum wanted to be here in person but she had to work. Look, I don’t know how else to tell you this kiddo.” Her stepfather is another one of the few people that actually care about her. “ I found out that your mum was the person who started you on adderall as an appetite suppressant. She does feel bad, and she’s getting help of her own. I told her that I could not stay with her unless she tried to change.” 

Well, that’s surprising. 

“I’m sorry you had to find that out.- “ Etta doesn’t want to ruin that relationship like she did with her parents.

“Don’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault, you know that right? It’s also not your fault your mum and dad didn’t work out.” He walks over and hugs her. If Etta was honest, he might be the best parent she has. “Anyway, I have to get going, but I got a surprise for you. Close your eyes.” 

Etta does as he says, but she’s not sure about surprises anymore. Last surprise was her being shipped off to treatment. Wait. She knows that cologne. It can’t be. 

“ Are you going to open your eyes or do I need to hop back in my car and go home?” Etta opens her eyes. It’s Bernie. Her best friend since like forever. “Now that you're looking at me, I can do this” He leans over and hugs her. She can feel the stings of his dumb bolo tie through the top of her dress. 

“Bernie, what on earth did they tell my treatment team to get you approved to come visit me? It’s family only?” She’s glad to see him, but she has no clue what he had to do. 

“What, a fella can’t come visit his older cousin?” 

“You didn’t! “ 

“You were the one who started the whole ‘cousin’ thing.” 

“Because, I’m gay and even if I was straight, it would be gross to sleep with you.” 

“Way to make a guy feel loved , Etta.” 

“It’s because you're my best friend.” 

“Of course. Etta, please don't take this wrong? But you look really good. Like you were looking really rough before you left.” 

“I’m glad I look better. I feel better.” She honestly does and it’s not just because the swelling in her face went down. “I’m really glad you came.” 

“I am too. I’m really glad you are getting help. I love you and it’s really hard to see someone you love hurt themselves. You deserve better than you’ve gotten, you know that right? “ He looks like he’s going to tear up. “You’re funny and smart and beautiful and someday you are going to do great things and make someone a fantastic wife. I wish you could see the amazing kick ass person that I see.” 

“ I think I’m starting to.” 

“Good. You want to hear about my new girlfriend? She’s American, from California.” 

“Sure tell me about the lady that stole my baby cousin’s heart.” 

\---------------------------------------------

Freddie hasn’t seen her dad in three months. She’s not sure what he’s going to say. They were never close or saw eye to eye. 

“Farheena I mean Freddie. You still prefer to be called Freddie? “ her father asks. 

“Yeah, if that's ok? “ She’s never sure what to think about him. 

“It’s your life. You look like you’re getting better. You’re starting to look a lot like your mother. Look, I know things haven’t been great between us. But I and your mother have been talking, and she’s right. I should have been more involved with you and your brother. Kash is still at home and he’ll let me into his life. I want that with you. I regret that I was too hard on you and that I didn’t see that you were getting sick until it was too late to do anything about it at home. Can you forgive me? “ 

“Yes. I think I can” Freddie talked about her issues with her father in therapy and she is sure she wants to give it one more go. “I have been thinking about what I want to do when I am recovered and go home.” 

“Were you going to go back to training for professional dance? “ She can tell her father is trying to not let her know how he feels. 

“ Maybe. Not ballet. But maybe modern dance or I have been thinking about trying musical theater?” She’s always loved to sing, and both Brianne and Etta have complimented her voice. 

“You always have had a lovely voice. Would you be going to school for that or just auditioning or..” 

“ Well, I could audition for a program or just straight for a company. I was thinking about looking at going for a conservatory program.” 

“That sounds like a good plan. Your mother said last time you two chatted, you were talking about coming back home after you leave here?” She can tell that he’s honestly listening to her, not just ignoring her like he did when she was a girl. 

“If that’s ok with you?” 

“Of course it is. You really scared me this time. They told your mother the second time you went to treatment, they told her that if you relapsed and got worse you might die. I really do love you, I'm sorry I did not show it. “

“Well, we can’t change the past but, we can have a better relationship in the future.” 

Freddie for once, is looking forward to going home. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, and feel free to comment!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the weeks go on, The girls start to make more progress.

“I’m starting to think it’s all bullshit. Like I’ve been told at least twice that it’s all cosmetic at this point?” Freddie over the past few weeks has really changed. Like in a good way. Brianne sometimes can’t really believe that this is the same person she met a couple of months ago. “Like, I've gained at least two thirds of the weight my team wants me to and I look kinda good. Plus when I had the consultation before I was admitted again, they also kept pressing for me to get my chin shaved down and a nose job to fix ‘an ethnic nose’ . Like my therapist pointed out that it’s all really eurocentric the beauty standards we all are expected to meet.” 

“Yeah, can I be blunt? “ Brianne really does not want to hurt her suitemates feelings. She doesn’t think this is going to hurt her feelings. 

“Yes. I trust you to not be a giant bitch Bri.” Brianne can hear the trust and a bit of a laugh in her voice. 

“Well, i’m 6’1” so it’s too late for that.” Brianne quiped. 

“Brianne! You almost made me get mascara all over my nose. Stop being funny!” And there it is, she is straighter than the day is long but there is something so beautiful about watching Freddie laugh. Like fully this her head back and laugh. it's even amusing to see her try to chastise Brianne for being too funny. 

“Anyway, I think it makes you look pouty and it fits with the rest of your features. Now that you aren't like totally emaciated , Everything kind of fits. You don’t look like a witch like I do. So if it’s just cosmetic at this point, I’d say leave it be and not risk losing the feeling in your face. “ 

“One: you don’t look like a witch, the whole witches with curly hair and long noses started off as anitsemitc stereotype, two: I have what Kylie Jenner spent a shit ton of money on. Also, I’m not a rich white girl spending a ton of money to look like I'm biracial, I’m Parsi, Heck I actually spent years avoiding the sun. . Wait.-” 

“What?” 

“Now that I’m not going back to classical ballet, I can get tan again.” 

\---------------------------------------------

“Look, I understand she had her own issues, but I’m perfectly valid in being mad at my mum right? Like she actively started me on an addictive medicine that I really didn’t need.” Etta says between sobs. She always dreads the times they end up talking about family or relationships in group therapy. 

“Oh, yeah. No you are totally valid in feeling that way.” Jamie adds as she hands her a tissue. 

“I was talking with my stepfather and suggested I don’t move back in with them. Not that he doesn’t want me there, but that way I had space from her. “ Etta honestly is planning to move in with Bernie. He offered, plus if she got a job or student aid, they could afford a nicer place on his and hers and his girlfriends paychecks. 

“That honestly sounds like a good idea. Do you have any plans on pressing charges or-”

“Not really, I don’t know if it was illegal and it’s not like she bought it on the black market? All I really want is an apology, just want her to admit that what she did was wrong?" 

"What she did was totally wrong. Of course knowing the generation that your mother just old enough that she came of age when things like Phenfen and stimulants for weight loss were fairly common still. I don't mean to try to forgive what she did to you but I can understand where she might have thought it wasn't that big of a deal." Jamie added. 

"Heck, I've been offered stimulants to help me lose weight despite the fact that my physicals all come out good?" Phoebe added. 

"Thanks Phoebe, it actually kind of makes me feel better knowing that someone else was offered the same thing by their doctor." Etta feels herself calm down. "I still just can't believe she lied to a doctor about me having ADHD. I was nine, I've been abusing prescription medication for over a decade and I'm only 19. "

" Well you turn 20 in a couple months so at least your 20s will be better?" 

\---------------------------------------------

Jane's not sure about this. She's making a ton of progress on her body dysmorphia in therapy but she still feels like she's a failure at being a woman. Her therapist was sure that there was somebody she should meet and would help her out . So she's sitting here at a table at the hospital waiting for this person to arrive. 

"So you must be Jane" a voice behind her says. She turns around to see what might be the most handsome woman she's ever seen in her life. 

"Yes, ma'am or sir-" Jane isn't really sure how to address the person in front of her.

"Knock it off with the honorifics kid. You can just call me Susan. " Susan seems so sure of herself. " So I've been told that you don't really identify with the feminine but you still are a woman, correct? " 

" Well, yes." 

"And you like women?" 

"Yup. " 

" Well you're not the only person who's like that, there's a whole big world of people who don't fit into what gender stereotypes say they should. You might identify as butch, you might just identify as gender nonconforming, You might just be a girl who doesn't like skirts. " It's a relief to know that it's not just her. 

"So how do I do this then?" Jane wishes to be as clearly comfortable in her skin as Susan is. 

"You experiment. Next time you go shopping go over to the guy section and see, if that does not work for you, there's companies like wild fang that make clothes that fit better on assigned female at birth bodies that you can buy online. I've heard good things from some of the younger folks about ASOS's men's line. " Susan really sounds like she cares about Jane despite just meeting her. " I have a small packet here full of different LGBTQ resources and a few salons that will give you whatever kind of haircut you want instead of a feminine looking pixie." 

\------------

Phoebe really was only expecting to be helping Freddie shop for actual adult clothes now that she's grown out of the little girls clothes that she had when she came to treatment. 

That was the whole point for this outing. Well that and three doors down Jane' s getting her hair cut. 

But they had some time left after they bought Freddie clothes, and that's how she got stuck in the stressing room and honestly the tiniest dress she's ever worn in her life with Etta and Freddie urging her on. 

"look it's just us waiting out here and if it looks bad we'll tell you but we think you're going to look cute!" Etta says. If Phoebe didn't know better she would think that they were too little girls who never grew out of wanting to play Barbie dolls. Well here goes nothing. 

"Oh my god! You guys, look how cute Phoebe is?" At this moment she wishes the earth could swallow her whole because Etta is not quiet. And isn't she supposed to be trying to draw attention away from herself? 

That being said when she gets over to three-way mirror, it doesn't look as bad on her as she thought it would? And she looks kinda cute and thinner than she did in her old clothes. It's definitely a lot more form fitting than her old sweaters and boot cut jeans. 

She didn't mean to let herself go overboard, but by the time she's done she's got two new dresses, three pairs of skinny jeans, and a bunch of new tops that the girls found on sale for her. 

Maybe the sales girl was right? 

That if people are going to stare (as they do), You might as well give them something next to stare at. 

Phoebe has decided she's ready to start taking up as much space as she needs. 

\----------

Freddie knew she was gay when she was 8 ok? 

But she really shouldn't be falling in love with her housemate.

She can't help it though okay? 

Now that Jane's got her hair cut the way that she likes it and she's got these really nice button-ups and slacks and…

Shit. She looks super hot and confident. 

She's happy for Jane, really she is. She can't imagine how awesome it must be to finally look in the mirror and see yourself. 

\----------------

"I should be happy, I really should be." Regina says in her individual therapy. " But I just can't get myself to celebrate a man getting shanked to death in prison." 

" I understand how this must be hard. On one hand, he was your father. And on the other, he was the man who hurt you and your mother and your brother. " 

"I don't feel happy or sad about it. I mostly just feel relieved." 

"And that's totally valid. How have you been doing with the flashbacks?" 

" I have maybe one a week at most. And it's going to the point where I can calm myself down and not have my entire day ruined." 

" Well then, I think we continue with the rapid eye movement stimulation, I think it's really helping."

\-------------

It's weird doing teletherapy with her old therapist back home on the computer and her and her current therapist in the office. 

"So Joan, how successful are you with being able to divert your attention away from your compulsions so you can move on with your day?" Dr.Michels asks through the computer. 

" I've got to the point where I have to remind myself that they're not going to help but I usually can move on fairly quickly." 

"Well that's what we wanted to hear. I'm going to suggest you to be stepped down to doing twice weekly therapy back here, and you going home so you can go back to school." 

It's a bittersweet feeling, she's really grown to love her housemates and she's going to miss them so much, but at the same time she's ready to go home and face the rest of her life. 

\-------------

"Well, I fucked around and fell in love." Jenny announces while she walks into her therapist's office.

" Jen can you please elaborate?" 

" Okay okay so a few weeks ago we were discussing like body image and stuff in group ,right?" 

"Correct I remember you saying that." 

" And I had mentioned that Phoebe nearly snapped and laid out everything that she didn't like about herself. " 

"Correct." 

" Well I always liked her personality I thought she was funny and smart and this week when we went shopping she bought a bunch of clothes that fit her better and I realised she's like adorable and I'm in love with her even more now and I can't be in love with her cuz she's my housemate. "

" Okay well let's start off with the basics, is she even interested in women?"

"Yes. She mentioned that." 

" Okay, are you in a place where you could have a relationship? it's best to not try to get started and something unless you are at a place where you are well enough that you can have a relationship. " 

" Not really. I'm still dealing with a lot of fears over food and I would hate going on a date and embarrassing her if I couldn't eat the thing I ordered."

" Well then, I guess we need to work on more exposure therapy."

\------------- 

" When I'm feeling overwhelmed, I need to talk to somebody and I need to use my coping skills." Brianne answers her therapist's question of what have you learned in therapy. 

" And what are some things you could do when you're feeling depressed or overwhelmed?" 

"I could take a nice long shower with my favorite body wash or put on my records or call my mum or dad. And I need to make sure I ask for help when it's a small problem rather than letting it grow into something big. It's nice that she has things and a plan in place to prevent her from getting so depressed or overwhelmed that she views suicide as her only option. 

\------------

Freddie can't believe her eyes. In the months she's been away her mum and her brother have sent her care packages but never her dad.

Until now.

When she heard she had mail she thought it might be like a card from her brother or something small from her mother instead it's a big manila envelope stuffed with three different books of songs for auditions and a note saying that he bought all three because he wasn't sure what a voice part she needed and a bunch of information about conservatories for both vocal performance/musical theater and modern dance. 

"Ooh someone got mail!" Etta commented as she walked past. " Wait, are you actually taking our suggestion that you try to do musical theatre after you get our?" 

"Well I , and my treatment team, both are starting to think that going back to classical ballet would not be a good thing for me. And I do enjoy singing and I do enjoy performing and that's something I could do?" Freddie tries to sound confident in her answer.

"Well get me access to a piano and I'll help you out. I was studying classical performance before I got ill, but I think I can handle accompanying you for now.

\------------

She wanted to say no. but both her therapist and her stepfather talked her into having this meeting with her mum.

Etta really hopes this doesn't turn into another opportunity for her to be verbally attacked and torn apart. 

She has every idea of leaving if it does. 

The door opens.

Her mum looks weird. She usually would be all done up and slightly over the top but she looks so different now. She's in jeans and a plain sweater and very little makeup. 

"Hi mum. I like that color on you. " She's going to try to play nice here. 

"I should be the one complimenting you. You look really good. Like you have been taking care yourself. " She has. She doesn't weigh herself, and in fact, she may never weigh herself again. But she knows that she's at least lost a half stone in water weight. She's not all swollen and holding fluids from purging. 

"Thanks I have been. are we going to talk about the elephant in the room?" 

"Sure. I've started seeing someone. I've realized that my poor relationship with myself and my body impacted you. And I'm truly sorry for hurting you. I never intended to hurt you. I just wanted to make things easier for you. I've done a lot of things in my life I regret, but the thing I regret the most is lying and giving you Adderall when you really didn't need it. I thought it would just help you focus a little more and it would help you stay thin. And instead I almost ruined your life. " 

Etta can't believe that she's apologizing and she sounds like she actually means it.

" Thank you for that. I want to try to rebuild a relationship with you but we need to set some ground rules."

"Sure, I'd do anything to get to have you back in my life. " 

" First : if we have a disagreement we need to stay civil about it, I don't want us to have another dirty fight. 

Second: my appearance is none of your business. Feel free to tell me if you like my makeup or you like my dress but I do not want you nitpicking my weight and my appearance anymore.

Lastly: I've talked about it with my discharge team, when I get out of here I'm taking Bernie up on his offer to move in with him and his girlfriend. I do love you underneath it all but I need some space. " Etta really hopes that this works. She wants to have a relationship with her mum because her mum's willing to try, but at the same time she is not going to be a pushover.

"I can agree to that, maybe we could try having a visit once a week?" 

" I could agree to that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for all of your support and feel free to find me on Tumblr!

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think and comment if you'd like a second chapter?


End file.
